New Beginnings

Hi guys (if there are still any of you here),

I’m writing to tell you that this will be my last post on “Sandpaper Kisses, Papercut Bliss”. It’s been a great journey, but I must say it was also one hell of a ride. While I’m ending this site, that doesn’t mean that it’s the end

*cues motivational music*

I’ve finally moved over to a new domain! 

xojaye.com is officially LIVE as of yesterday! I am super excited and looking forward to the new blog. I hope you guys are too. I’ve imported a lot of the old posts onto the new blog, as well as added new content. So, check it out, follow/subscribe, and please share. Don’t forget to tell me what you think!

With love,

xojaye

Reason for the Season?

My feelings are really hurt. Not one single gift, not a card, not a “Merry Christmas”. Just someone being a petty bitch. I feel like the bad child that made the Naughty list and got handed a sack of coals, except … I didn’t even get that. Of every thing I’ve BUST my ass to do for people this year, I’ve been showed zero appreciation. You had one last time and still didn’t care. Now, I can’t help but to feel hurt …

God forgive me for making this about me. But I’m over it. 

From this moment forward, I’m being selfish. Just like everyone suggested … I’m putting myself first. I’m not looking out for anyone else. I won’t give “my last” to another soul that doesn’t appreciate me for shit. I won’t put aside what I’m doing to help the next person whatsoever. That ends right now. I’m about to stop giving a fuck about the wellbeing of the next person and worry about self. Self has A LOT of restoration to go through and I will make sure that it happens.

In order for me to become pleased with the content of my life, I have to start putting myself first. And I will.

… Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

Let me tell you guys something …

The reason I write is because there’s nothing else in the world I’d rather be doing. I write to save my life .. and others. I write to, hopefully, one day be able to improve my quality of life. 

Quality of Life

The other day I found myself in a small debate with someone discussing the quality of life and sharing sob stories. I couldn’t completely explain how I wished to improve the quality of my life or why I needed to but I did have a “rationale”. See, for some people, the odds are already set against us. I’m not one of those “Everyone’s out to get me” people and no, I don’t believe that the world is against me. However, I do know that, by default, I’m already lacking in some areas and considered to be an extra pawn rather than a player in the game. That’s just how it is.

Here goes: I’m a poor, black, woman with depression. What’s worse?

Someone? Anyone? No one? Okay.

When asking my associate that question they responsed: “My mom said a man with the same qualities. But no.”

Which was right, because no. Even a poor, black man with depression would have it better. 

I don’t have time to further explain right now, but you get it. In this very moment, I’m sitting here almost irritated because 1) I lost one of my (last) contact lenses a few week ago and can not afford to buy a new pair. 2) I just lost the contact lense out of my left eye. So I can barely see unless I’m wearing my hideous glasses that give me massive headaches. Meanwhile, my eye is still irritated, and I’m just over it …

Okay, I lied a little. I CAN afford to buy new contact lenses. It’s just that there are other things that I’d also like to buy. Like, a list of things. I’d rather have a new phone, new shoes, new blog, new watch, new hair, or something to eat than to be able to see any of it. 

Hmm. Let’s add ‘occasionally ignorant when it comes to making important decisions’ to that list of things affecting my quality of life. 

*shrugs*

Henny for My Troubles

Disclaimer: I literally started writing this post 13 days ago, on Monday, November 21. I get so busy and sidetracked that these posts often slip my mind. The only thing I hate is that they’re so time sensitive. From now on, I’m going to start posting things as they happen instead of postponing them.

So, the holidays were pretty great. That entire week was absolutely amazing (except like one mishap) and I really wanted to tell you guys about it! But as I said, the topic is a bit time sensitive and so much has changed in less than two weeks. Literally down to today. So, I’m probably just going to write an update.


It was so refreshing to just clock out of my worries for a moment — to let go and be happy and laugh and bask in the terribleness of what was going on.
I must admit: I kinda missed you, friend.

P.S. Thanks for the henny. It helped.

I layed in bed last night and told God all of the things I was thankful for. You were one of them.


Update: So, I was so happy and giddy about what’d happened that I couldn’t even finish writing about it. Then I had to return to the real world and there were finals and etc. It was just a mess.

But anywho, I can’t explain how good I felt that day. For a moment, I didn’t have to worry about a single thing. I just sat there with my old friend, laughed, and enjoyed his company. 

Update: December 13, 2016 

Still never completed the blog post. So, I won’t. I’ve been going through so much crap. I had sooo many relapses yesterday alone and I’ve just been trying to figure out what in the hell I’m doing with my life right now. Here’s a short update:

1. Grades came out for the semester. Over it.

2. I have an appointment tomorrow to sit around talk about my problems and how everything makes me feel. Over it. 

3. I’m getting fat. Over it.

4. My 21st birthday’s in less than a month. I was excited, but since I’m being a brat that can’t get her way: over it.

5. Oh yeah! My love life stinks. Over it. (We have GOT to talk about the situation above, btw. The real reason that I began writing this post weeks ago and how it’s changed. If I ever find the time, I’ll get right on it!)

As you can see, I’m drowning once again. On top of the new blog, my long to-do list, and everything else, I just can’t. I CAN NOT! 

Think that about covers it, huh?

Bye people. 

Mind Spill

I must say one thing:

I’m gonna miss these rants. There’s nothing like being able to freely speak your mind in the privacy of your own blog. It’s my little place — my quiet space. I can say what I want, when I want, how I want, and no one will argue with me, or talk back. 

Transitioning into a more mainstream light may take away that little piece of me. That’s why I’m so nervous about doing this. But I already have one foot out of the door. So, I might as well go with it. It’s either take a leap of faith or a few steps backward. I’m all about progressing forward. So, the latter is less likely.

Anywho, the mind spill. 

*takes a deep breath*

Guys. Thanksgiving was cute and all. It was pretty nice. Just yesterday I told someone that I really enjoyed my vacation and I was actually happy. But it doesn’t take long for things to change.

I think I’ve overstayed my welcome. How can one overstay their welcome at their own home? I don’t know. But what I do know is that it’s time to get THE FUCK on and back to my current place of residence. This was fun while it lasted, but it’s time to go. I’m not gonna deal with someone bashing me or talking to me like they don’t have any fucking sense. I’m a grown ass woman taking care of her God damn self with how much help from you? None? Okay. Right. Thank you. So, let this grown ass woman handle her damn business and live her fucking life without you jumping down her throat all the fucking time about absolutely nothing. Just because your life is going to shit doesn’t mean mine is or will. 

“You’re the creator of your own destiny.”

Remember that next time you wanna bitch to me because your life is bullshit. 

Since I sit around and “play” on the computer all day, when it finally starts to pay, don’t open your mouth to ask me for one red cent. I’ll continue to sit around and play with my money like I did to earn it. 

*sighs*

God watch over me today. I don’t wanna lose my shit around these people. I’ve been having a wonderful week. I was enjoying the holidays, you know? Family time and shit. But now, it’s time for me to go and get the hell on.

Selma don’t owe me nothing. (Yes, I know that was a double negative. That’s how strongly I feel about this situation.)

I was literally just thinking about how bad I want to pack up and leave Alabama. There’s nothing for me here. It’s time for me to move on. I just want to disappear for a while, without any warning and no notice. I’m not going to tell anyone where I’m going or what I’m doing. They don’t seem to be too concerned right now, do they? I’m gonna go away and build that life for myself that I’ve always wanted with absolutely no concern for what’s going on with everyone else. Just live my motherfucking life to the fullest! I swear.

Rant over. 

Now, I had another cute post for you guys. Maybe it’ll come later. Just a short recap of my week (before this shit storm) and all of the beautiful things in life I have to be thankful for. Maybe I’ll still post it. 

In the meantime, I have some really amazing things to share! 

I’ve been talking about the relaunching of “Sandpaper Kisses, Papercut Bliss” for like .. months now. Well …. it’s finally underway! 

Say hello to “xoJaye”:


I’ve been preaching about rebranding and expanding for so long. It’s finally time. You guys know how important this is for me. It’s my little baby. I’m so excited for this project and seeing my aspirations come to life. It’s the most amazing feeling in the world.

For my loyal readers, the content won’t change. No, I’m not gonna “sell out” or become a lifestyle or fashion blogger. I’ll still be the same person, just under a different domain and name. 

I’m so excited and hopefully you guys are, too. Just stay tuned. You wouldn’t wanna miss this. 

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