I need to get my shit in order THIS INSTANCE! There’s no way that the simple existence of one human being could ultimately fuck my life that bad. Just seeing you made me feel uncomfortable, despite how much I tried to hide it.

I can’t even think straight right now. Literally.

I had an epiphany last night, but I can’t even continue to write to explain it. I’ll be back later.

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I realize the error of my ways. I keep jumping from situation to situation. Never allowing myself to heal. Never giving myself alone time. I find myself doing the same thing again … getting over a heartbreak by leaning towards someone else. I’m not gonna do that this time though. 

I’m giving myself the alone time that I so desperately deserve. Until I know that I no longer love you, and I can completely move on .. I’m practicing the art of loving myself. It feels so damn good …

I’m doing whatever it takes. 
I’ll be okay. I’ll keep telling myself that until I finally believe it. “He doesn’t love you, but you know what? That’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. Look in the mirror and realize that you’re the shit, girl! It was just his loss.”

Love yourself, girl, or nobody will.

Right now, I’m choosing myself over some bogus, half-assed situation. Cutting my hair just may have been a true declaration of that. 

xoJaye ✌🏾️

Mid-life Crisis or Early Age Fuckery?

I don’t know where I belong anymore. I’m starting to believe that I don’t fit in anywhere. It seems like everywhere I go, I’m out of place. It’s driving me absolutely nuts. 

I just made a stupid, impulsive decision and now it’s resting on my shoulders like a huge burden. 

A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.

— Coco Chanel

I’m guessing I’m at the short intermission, just before the life changing moment. 

I feel stuck. That’s what this is. I feel like I’m at an in-between stage of my life where nothing is as it seems. Could I be going through a “mid-life crisis” at an early age? To say that there’s even such a thing is amongst the most proposterous of ideas. A mid-life crisis doesn’t exist. Sometimes, you just go through really shitty stuff and feel really shitty all the time. It’s not a mid-life crisis. It’s just a shitty, fucking life. That’s the way these things work.

 And that’s how things are right now …

After being “natural” for a year and two months (10.5 months post big chop), I decided to perm my hair. To everybody else, it’s nothing. To me, it was a scream for help. It was a cry out for a better place. The salty tears came streaming down my face, burning my eyes as the chemicals burned my scalp. 

This can’t be where I’m supposed to be in life. Not at all.

xoJaye

Mind Spill

I’m a bit in over my head right now — thinking it’d be so easy to get over you. I have two people trying to hang out with me tonight and instead I’ve blown them both off for you. 

Literally. I’m sitting here waiting on your call and even debating on calling you. 

I don’t get it. Why can’t I just move on already? The sad part is that you tried to leave me. Not once or twice, but several times. You keep trying to leave and I find myself begging you to stay. Truth is – I’d rather end it on my own terms. I’d rather get over you when I’m emotionally able. Not just because you’re done, but that’s what’s making it worse. I keep asking you to stay when you just really want to leave.

I don’t know what’s so hard about letting you go. I guess it’s easy for you because you started letting go months ago, unbeknownst to me. You had a head start on the process. Meanwhile, you left me in the dark. Now, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. You’re only one step down from him. That’s what hurts, too. 

I finally found somebody that made me happy and God said no. I guess I should be thanking him for saying no, but I can’t find it in me. I can’t even find it in me to let you leave me .. I’m praying to God every single day that soon I’ll find the strength. 

I can’t keep holding on .. not like this.

Throwing in the Towel …

I’m currently irritated to the core. God knows. This issue runs much deeper than it seems on the surface. I don’t even think I can explain.

First of all, I’m fighting off this huge black mass hovering over my head. I’m trying so hard to not let it get the best of me. You guys know how I am when I get this way and as of right now, it’s going there. I don’t mean to alarm anyone, though. I can usually deal with it. It’s just that I much rather prefer not to go through this alone.

Secondly, I’m breaking up with relationships. Checking myself back into Relationship Rehab. Every single one of my “relations” and “situations” has kind of blown up during the last week or so. Even one of them that needs me more than I need him! How silly! But, it’s in my best interest. For my sanity and the sake of my nerves.

It’s like right now, I’m confused as hell. I don’t know where I stand in one of my situations. In fact, we said that it’s not even a situation. Technically, we’re nothing. I’m sorry. Forgive me, but I can’t do the friends thing. Not with someone I’m in love with. I know I should be the bigger person, but when you crave someone … you crave their scent, their touch, their voice … you can’t just be their friend. Not when you want them so bad. I’m sorry. No matter how much you manipulate it. You take certain variables out of the equation, compare it to the control group, add in new pieces of information, and it still won’t work. We’re at an awkward in-between stage and it just will not work as friends.

So, my only solution? Quit. I’m quitting relationships and the dating scene. It’s time to be honest with myself, be honest with him. It’s time to come clean about the things I’ve done and the way I feel. Maybe that’s what it is. I need to clear my conscience, but in a way .. after having been told lie after lie after lie, do I owe it to someone to be honest? I’ve prayed about it and apologized over and over to God. Now, I just need someone to forgive me.

Maybe I need to forgive myself

I messed up. I ruined a perfectly good relationship and I can’t stop beating myself up about it. I feel like I really screwed up this time. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to forgive myself, and I can’t.

So, that’s why I’m choosing to just quit. I’m going to stay true to myself for a while and give myself the love that I’m giving away to him – because I’m getting nothing in return. I don’t think I can deal with this anymore. It’s time to slowly disassociate myself. The issue is that I don’t even know if that’s the answer.

Truth be told: I want this to work. More than anything, I do. I even still have hopes that it’ll work, but it probably never will work with anyone …

…and that’s why I’m quitting relationships.

I’m kinda shaken inside right now. I sent a long heartfelt message last night. Now, I’m patiently awaiting a reply. Except — I don’t think I’ll ever get one. That was kind of my very last attempt at setting things straight. Honestly.

So, I’m currently torn. Do I send another message like, “Hey, I know you saw my text. Reply!” or do I just move on with my life? No response says so much. Shouod I just take that and run with it?

Nothing Was the Same

So, I’m on a little mini vaca right now, in Chicago with one of my best friends. We came to see our favorite artist, Chance the Rapper! It was seriously an opportunity that I couldn’t pass up. It was a chance to explore the world, see my favorite artist in concert, and get some bonding time in with my friend. I’m happy that I decided to splurge and go. 

I’ve already experienced so many “first-times” since I’ve been here! That was my first time on an airplane. The thought of flying was scary, at first, but the flight itself wasn’t bad at all. It’s my first time in Chicago. My best friend made me take a train ride. That was cute. The city’s really nice and I’m definitely enjoying myself. The sight’s short of amazing.

However, sitting here all day just really gave me time to sit and think which is exactly what I came NOT to do. I came to rid my mind of those annoying thoughts. Literally all day I’ve been thinking about the same person and the same issue. The thought won’t dare to escape my mind. I’m fighting tooth and nail not to burst into tears in front of these people because I couldn’t even explain what was wrong. I’d have to stay a few extra days to do that. 

Having you tell me that this doesn’t feel like love anymore – it was scary. I must admit. It was heartbreakingly, gut-wrenchingly scary! When we were lying in bed that night, doing the things that grown folks often do … I kept thinking about it. I don’t even think you noticed the tears streaming down my face. I was just lying there, crying, and thinking of how weird this feels. Nothing is the same anymore. 

Everything for me feels weird now. Everything. Sometimes, I can sit and have an okay conversation with you that I enjoy, but shortly after, the thoughts start to creep into my head. I’m torn between whether I can deal with this or not.

I don’t know ….

xoJaye

Learning the Hard Way

I’m convinced that “that time of the month” is coming. It has to be the only plausible explanation as to why I’ve been feeling this way and acting like I have. If I burst into tears one more time today, I swear.

First, it was just because. I don’t know why I was crying. It just hit me. Maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling so horrible all day. Assuming crying could make such a sickness go away, that’d probably be the first reason.

Then, it was because my feelings were hurt. Seriously. Because I was upset that I’d been sick all day and you didn’t check on me at all. I get that you were busy, but it doesn’t take long to ask if I’m okay. I swear. I break my neck to check on you. I give you almost every part of me when I have nothing to give. I spend my last on you to make sure that you’re happy and I can’t get the common courtesy of a phone call to ask how I was feeling or a “I hope you feel better”. Instead, I get the sense that I’m already beginning to annoy you again. And that’s not a good feeling, I swear. Which is why I cried the third time.

Do you know what it’s like to love someone? What it’s like to love someone so deeply and always feel like the feeling isn’t mutual. Always feeling like you’re not wanted or you’re annoying the hell out of them or they just can’t make time for you to sit down and have a simple meal with you. Even if they’re not hungry, to just sit down and talk. I know that feeling all too well. Regardless of what the situation is, life is as it seems. 

That’s why I cried for the third time. It hurts. You know? Feeling this way. After a good week of making up and reaching agreements, there’s this. I won’t lie. This week has been something. It’s been one full of truth and answers. Things are finally kind of looking up because we actually sat down and communicated for once; reached an understanding. It felt so good to know that we’d finally saw eye to eye. Having you tell me you love me felt so good; receiving those good morning and good night texts; being told how cute I was in my picture; having you call and ask to hang with me for once felt so damn good. 

I know it sounds like I’m being unappreciative right now. God forbid. I’m not. Seeing you change right before my eyes or go back to the guy that I knew and loved was the highlight of my week. So, why would I be sitting here crying over one simple thing like this?

It most definitely is that time of the month. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be feeling like this.

I felt like God said, “Not right now”. Then, I suddenly began feeling like he was saying, “Maybe not”. Like I’d been praying for things to change in hopes that we could work, but he doesn’t agree. I feel like he’s letting me love you, only to reveal to me that while it’s not being reciprocated the way I’d like, I should move on … I don’t know. I seriously do not know, but that’s why he says to lean on him, not on thine own understanding.

I feel like my falling in love with you was a trick question. It was one of those open ended questions on what was supposed to be a multiple choice test that my professor decided he could get a kick out of when he saw the look on our faces. 

It’s like I’m in love with someone that I’m not supposed to be. You love me too, not in love, but love me. That’s the trick. 

While sitting here trying to figure out the answer, I have to realize that somehow, there is no right answer. 
Then again, it could just be that time of the month sneaking up on me. 

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