I’m convinced that “that time of the month” is coming. It has to be the only plausible explanation as to why I’ve been feeling this way and acting like I have. If I burst into tears one more time today, I swear.
First, it was just because. I don’t know why I was crying. It just hit me. Maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling so horrible all day. Assuming crying could make such a sickness go away, that’d probably be the first reason.
Then, it was because my feelings were hurt. Seriously. Because I was upset that I’d been sick all day and you didn’t check on me at all. I get that you were busy, but it doesn’t take long to ask if I’m okay. I swear. I break my neck to check on you. I give you almost every part of me when I have nothing to give. I spend my last on you to make sure that you’re happy and I can’t get the common courtesy of a phone call to ask how I was feeling or a “I hope you feel better”. Instead, I get the sense that I’m already beginning to annoy you again. And that’s not a good feeling, I swear. Which is why I cried the third time.
Do you know what it’s like to love someone? What it’s like to love someone so deeply and always feel like the feeling isn’t mutual. Always feeling like you’re not wanted or you’re annoying the hell out of them or they just can’t make time for you to sit down and have a simple meal with you. Even if they’re not hungry, to just sit down and talk. I know that feeling all too well. Regardless of what the situation is, life is as it seems.
That’s why I cried for the third time. It hurts. You know? Feeling this way. After a good week of making up and reaching agreements, there’s this. I won’t lie. This week has been something. It’s been one full of truth and answers. Things are finally kind of looking up because we actually sat down and communicated for once; reached an understanding. It felt so good to know that we’d finally saw eye to eye. Having you tell me you love me felt so good; receiving those good morning and good night texts; being told how cute I was in my picture; having you call and ask to hang with me for once felt so damn good.
I know it sounds like I’m being unappreciative right now. God forbid. I’m not. Seeing you change right before my eyes or go back to the guy that I knew and loved was the highlight of my week. So, why would I be sitting here crying over one simple thing like this?
It most definitely is that time of the month. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be feeling like this.
I felt like God said, “Not right now”. Then, I suddenly began feeling like he was saying, “Maybe not”. Like I’d been praying for things to change in hopes that we could work, but he doesn’t agree. I feel like he’s letting me love you, only to reveal to me that while it’s not being reciprocated the way I’d like, I should move on … I don’t know. I seriously do not know, but that’s why he says to lean on him, not on thine own understanding.
I feel like my falling in love with you was a trick question. It was one of those open ended questions on what was supposed to be a multiple choice test that my professor decided he could get a kick out of when he saw the look on our faces.
It’s like I’m in love with someone that I’m not supposed to be. You love me too, not in love, but love me. That’s the trick.
While sitting here trying to figure out the answer, I have to realize that somehow, there is no right answer.
Then again, it could just be that time of the month sneaking up on me.